Space Pirates Ltd.

- From the forums (The_Dread_Pirate_Randle)

Except from me. My access to the ole’ interweb of late has been somewhat lax, and I don’t have my own computer, so I won’t be able to upload anything myself. If I update at all any time in the next few months, I’ll probably have to write the update over a period of weeks and send it to someone who isn’t completely useless. But since you won’t be reading any of my updates for a while, here’s the standard formula for all of them thus far so. They’re all basically this, anyway:

Bad Pun of a Title

So today I had to [insert trivial everyday task that everyone has to do at some point] and it was so hard! [insert several paragraphs that overexcentuate how hard it was with elaborate exaggerations; phrases such as “raptor cage” are recommended]

My life is so hard. [insert an example such as “my simple well-paying job is too hard, I cause accidents on the road, I don’t like getting immunizations, etc.]

[relate all above statements to the fact that I don’t like Episodes I or II and spend the rest of the update bitching about that.]

[include throughout any of the following pictures with amusing captions: the face of an unfortunate soul whose name I happened to google search for explosions Jango Fett Admiral Ackbar pretty much anything from Sister Act II: Back In the Habit]

There. That should hold you over for a while.

Holy smokes folks! This is an important moment! Not only has the Front Page just been updated, but it’s being done by none other than Pakistan’s teen heart throb Dan Delaney. Holy Smokes! But enough with the chit chat. Where have I been and what have I done? Your four Space Pirates have been gone for so long, that you started to get that funny feeling in your tummy, like when you eat chalk. Well, we’re not officially “back” per say. We’ve all gone in separate directions.

I have remained in the semi-rectangular state that is Pennsylvania. That’s right, I didn’t get into a fancy “stay on our property and eat our food” school. No, I attend a commuter campus of the behemoth Penn State University. Dave went to some weirdo art school called Fuckbag University, but no one really cares, because that’s what he is. A big fuckbag. Can”t even get the bowl out of the damn cupboard! “Hey Dan, can you get that bowl for me? Out of the cupboard? Because I can’t get it!” Fuckbag… As for Steve, he is a proud member of the University of Tokyo. He packed all his things up in a little sack with his name written on it and boarded a boat for the “Big Orange,” or Tokyo as you regular folk so commonly call it. There he’ll learn the art of homemaking. He’ll have Vacuuming 101; Knitting and How To Please Your Man. He’ll be in tiptop shape when he comes back. Finally, our friend Ethan has gone and left us for the Deep South, to sow his racist seed in a fine white woman.

What now? Will we break up and commence onto separate solo careers? No. We will stick together, like glue and fingernails, through thick and thin. So what if Steve is a pussy, Ethan’s a racist and Dave is a stupid fuckbag? We will pull through. I promise you, as a fourth of this fine organization to bring you semi-humorous satire on a semi-regular basis. Cross my heart and give it to Dee Snider.

So now you get a treat. Here’s a song that I made. It’s not very good, but it’s just the thing for a starving audience.