Ode to Oatboats©
Written by Davey Gravy
With all the enticing lard advertisements suckering everyone in, it’s no wonder that more and more Americans are becoming unacceptably obese; there’s pretty much no escaping it. Sure, you could go romping about with your best lads tossing around the discus or pole vaulting or playing hopscotch or whatever, but all the heart-healthy behavior in the world won’t keep the Man from sneaking into your room at night and pumping your gullet full of glutinous fat with a syringe the size of Pottstown. Go ahead and try to get your pulpy mass of a torso jiggling on one of those fancy tread mills. Four out of seven doctors agree that gyms actually increase body fat and cholesterol by at least 300%. What then? Dieting? Yeah sure. Go ahead and make yourself a salad. See what happens. I’ll bet you ten bucks you can’t finish half of it without instinctively glopping on a fist-full of Crisco, and I have ten bucks!
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Well, looks like it’s that suicide time once again!� Buck up, lumpy. Uncle Dave is here to show you the light. Put down that razor, unless you plan on using it to shave away clumps of excess body-goo, in which case you’re on the right track. It’s not suicide that you need just yet, just a good old fashioned eating disorder! Take it from me, an expert on the matter. Just look how drastically my life was changed by the Unintentional Personal Starvation (UPS) disorder. Not only did I lose the weight, but I also developed tendonitis of the wrists, making those stylish arm braces a must for a few years. Plus I bought a really gothy tank top from Hot Topic (famous for only making clothing designed to fit Auschwitz Jews and Ghandi)! If that’s not progress, I don’t know what is.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “How many paragraphs is this fuck-up going to start with the phrase, ‘Now I know what you’re thinking,’?� But I also know what else you’re thinking, and that’s: “But Dave! I’ve already tried the most popular eating disorders that were described to me in detail in my high school Health class. No go! I’m either still a tubby fat-ass or have had my tooth enamel worn down by all the vomit. What should I do?� Well, first off, I’d like to thank all of you for having such collective thoughts; it really makes them a hell of a lot easier to quote. The reason those Brand X disorders didn’t work for you is probably because you were too uncomfortable with them. I understand. I’m a caring guy, you see. The idea of skipping meals to look good for your date with Johnny Robles or stuffing that pudgy fist of yours down your throat always felt too unnatural. Well, not to worry. Those methods are unnatural, and will get you into nothing but bad news and run-ins with the wrong crowd. What most people don’t know, undoubtedly because it’s sitting so blatantly right there in front of them that they’ve never noticed, is that there are other, more subtle, more natural ways of depriving your body of those filthy nutrients that make you so unappealing. Diet and exercise are a thing of the past, my friends; make way for alcohol and marijuana!
Crazy talk! Hogwash! Sitting Bull! Come on now, Dave, cut us some slack. Our loads may be wide, but we’re not fools. That stuff will do anything but help us lose weight. Wrong, wrong, wrong! If there’s one thing I’ve learned at art school, it’s that everything is right as long as you say it is, and if anyone else doesn’t understand, that’s because that certain special someone is a conformist conservative with a closed mind. I’m gonna go put a bumper sticker on my Volkswagen that says, “Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?� and stick it right next to my “Mean people breed little mean people,� sticker. It’ll blow everyone’s mind! Hail Satan! Not convinced? Well, hold on to your bulbous butts, because as if that little rant wasn’t enough, I’m about to present some cold, hard facts that are sure to convince 150% of you. And since there’s probably only one person reading this, you’d better bulk up that brain, Pudgy Pig! There ain’t no power weapons on this ride.
Society has cast a negative gloom on the infamous “beer belly,� as well it should. If enough care isn’t taken, alcohol can actually cause the level of gelatinous flab on your various parts to skyrocket. But not to worry. If you want to lose weight the alcohol poisoning way, simply follow these easy-to-remember guidelines.
- Never eat anything before, during, or after you drink. Your friends may recommend you eat bread or peanuts; this is wrong. Any food intake could slow the purging process.
- Drink as quickly as you possibly can, and mix as many types of liquor and beer as possible. If you can, drink the beer first.
- Wait until the purging has begun before you even think about drinking water. When you do, gulp it down by the pitcher. (You may wish to be near a toilet, sink, or kitten for this part)
- Do not stop drinking at all. The vomit only means that it’s working. Celebrate with a nice tequila shooter. If you’re afraid of a hangover, just think how happy you’ll be with your new disproportionate, skeletal physique. Remember: no pain, no gain.
Now, maybe such a drastic drop-off isn’t for you. It can be a bit rough on n00bs. This is where our old pal marijuana steps up to bat.
Method 2: Marijuana
This is where things get a little hairy. THC is well-known for the hunger-inducing side effects that scientists have dubbed “The Munchies.� The drug is often misused and like alcohol, results in dramatic weight gain. All of its effects can be used to your advantage, however, if executed properly. As Health class has undoubtedly taught you, an important part of the processes taken place in traditional bulimia is the binge. If you’re unfamiliar with textbook terms, binging is a fancy Bill Nye the Science Guy word for stuffing your face with anything and everything that has mass and can be shoveled into the mouth. Bulimics like Amy Jo Johnson generally binge, then purge. As long as you follow your seemingly endless consumption of cheese fries and Pizza Pockets with the steps described in method 1, you should still meet with some success. This method will be slower, but it may feel more natural and should leave you with less hangover pain. But always remember, less pain, less gain. On top of the weight loss, the combination of marijuana and alcohol may cause you to encounter new and exciting things you never have before; the most common of these being the oncoming car. If you’ve tried all of this, and you’re still in a rut, don’t forget: suicide’s still an option, fatty.
