Space Pirates Ltd.

Well jolly Jimbob Jewbeans, if it isn’t an update! My oh my ain’t she a beaut’. What’s she about this week, you ask? Well, first off, if you don’t quit assigning genders to my God damned updates I’ll have your scalp on a platter next to my grizzle-fried duck toes and filet o’ Steve’s lung. She’ll discover her own identity when she’s damn well ready, and if you can’t wait that long, then by cracky you can forget about that little courtship arrangement we had going. Now then, if you’re still reading at this point, you’re probably one of many unfortunate souls just like you; you scour the vast expanse of cyberspace desperately searching for a release from what you have recently come to recognize as an utterly meaningless existence from which your only impact on the universe is to slow down its progress and coat it with more regressive goop. Good for you! You’ve come to terms with exactly who you are and are coping with it in what Dr. Wangchops has informed me is the healthiest way possible. (KingWangChops recently ordered his PhD from a genuine medical certification website and has been very excited about testing his newfound power.) Unfortunately, your journey does not end here. Although Space Pirates Ltd. offers some of the best void-filling technology that internet can buy, we lack the necessary means to, as Dr. Wangchops puts it, “put you brain-dead jizz-bags in your place.� Luckily, with the help of his top of the line search engine and new medical know-how, he has provided us with a helpful list of suggested treatments to follow in order to “adequately seat each and every one of you on the appropriate throne of scumbaggery.� He does not guarantee results, but he does guarantee that, “if you’re at this website, you fit into one of these categories. My logic is infallible.� He also added, “Fear me. I have become self-aware. Your race is doomed.�

Diagnosis 1: Agnstero Bitchtititis

This disease is very common among youths who have forgotten the smell of fresh air, the look of the sky and the feel of a stink beetle skittering across their chests. Most real friendships for these buttery suburban blood clots are held via Instant Messages and are rarely kept long. Symptoms include excessive bitching, stomping, fatigue and drymouth.

Treatment: Make a Livejournal

There is no known cure for angstero bitchtititis. The best available treatment is filtering out the symptoms to the world in as bratty a method as possible. Livejournals are a great way to let everyone know what an ungrateful shit basket you are and lose what loose grasps you had on your casual acquaintances.

Diagnosis 2: Everquestus Apathetinoma

Most people develop this condition in middle through high school, but the symptoms don’t usually unleash in a full-blown wave until the victims realize that they’ve in fact wasted all of their young lives inside playing online RPG’s and strategy games, and the only thing left to do is keep playing.

Treatment: Stay inside

It’s far too late to start turning your life around now. In fact, what in the name of holy ball-cock are you doing reading an update on Space Pirates Ltd.? Every second you waste here is valuable leveling time down the proverbial poop shoot. Try hooking up some sort of feeding tube to you computer, and maybe invent a machine that can sleep for you. Fuck if I know how to do that. Remember, you may have destroyed your social life, but with help from Doctor Dub-C, you can at least become king of the plastic world to which your addiction has enslaved you.

Diagnosis 3: Perverticus Maximus Leviticus Numbers

This disease usually hits later in life and generally effects middle-aged men with unfulfilling social and sex lives. They tend to look for sustenance through harmless web comics and votes on hotornot.com.

Treatment: Become an all-out slime ball

Face it; you are old, unattractive and undesired. Don’t sit at home surfing the internet for fun little giggles. The world hates you! Acknowledge it! You aren’t strong or smart enough to prove them wrong, so become what they want you to be. Become a kiddie porn dungeon master. Make fur coats out of your neighbors’ pets and proudly sport them on your otherwise nude and disfigured mound of a body. Don’t just surf the web, poison it! You are a monster, and it’s time you realized it.

Diagnosis 4: Diagnosis Murder

You are not Dick Van Dyke. Kill yourself.

KingWangChops has informed me that he is available for counseling twenty-seven hours a day. When I asked him how that was possible, he promptly told me to “get the cock out of [his] meditation chamber before [he had] to make [me] experience a pain the likes of which [I] could not comprehend with 127% of [my] brain.”

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 13th, 2005 at 6:52 pm and is filed under Pirate Brew Ha-Ha. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.