Space Pirates Ltd.

In the turgid depths of Elmer’s basement, we three muskateers of comictude have found two beverages so putrid and horridful that no man should ever, ever taste them. As a result of some amazing italian food, we have transformed into magical demons of liquid consumption capable of destroying cities and totally kicking ass. With our combined brain power we created a camerabot who saw the whole thing, then we poured some beer into it’s gears and it walked like a cripple.

Sample 1: Nestle Pure Life: Orange Splash
Ethan before:


Comments: “I’d recomend this drink to anyone who hates themselves. Just as there is a party in my mouth every time I drink something tasty such as a root beer or fruit punch, Orange Splash brings on the recreation of every war crime commited in World War II, contained and localized entirely on top of my tongue and throat. With every drop of Orange Splash that hits my taste buds, so do the tortured screams of thousands of dying jews. If the body of Adoplh Hitler was recovered and disected, scientists would find no blood, but only Orange Splash being pumped through his black heart. “

Dan before:


Comments: “The best way to portray this filthy stink swill is to describe what I saw after I took a sip. The walls oozed to the ground creating a mess of molten lava and screaming children’s faces. Ethan and Nick morphed into a giant galapagos turtle which morphed into a winged racoon that was constantly clobbering everything with it’s boxing glove clad paws. I saw myself twenty years in the future being raped by three butlers with gigantic grins on their faces. The taste was pretty bad also.”

Nick before:


Comments:”I did not think that this beverage tasted that badly, but because it wouldn’t be very interesting for me to not take an extreme on the matter I will say that this is the witch’s brew of h2o. That whoever mixed this evil drink did so with the tenderness and attention that a highly paid piano teacher gives a student. This drink is terrible and someone put a lot of work into it to make it so.”

Sample 2: Nestle Pure Life: Rasberry Splash
Ethan before:


Comments: Ethan collapsed after consupmtion and was unable to comment.

Dan before:


Comments:”Wow. This is bad. OK, take the following sentence and reverse the meanings of all the words to their negative. I really, really took extreme pleasure in the spectacular incredible flavor that this semen-of-the-gods beverage graced upon my non-bleeding, human tongue and mouth.”

Nick before:


Comments:”The taste left in my mouth after swallowing this beverage is what I assume to be very similar to the same taste that primitive man had constantly in his mouth during the prehistoric times. I speak of the times when the air itself was a swirling concoction of death, glowing oozes, and brontosaurus dung. When the only food was meat and bone and everybody was too hardcore to brush their own teeth. Naturally the mouths were very disgusting. So, you could say that this raspberry flavored water ex-stinks, but you would be horribly unfunny for saying that.
The only possible reason for a person wanting to drink this liquid is to temporarily wash out the after taste of a previous gulp.”

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 4th, 2005 at 12:40 am and is filed under Pirate Brew Ha-Ha. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.