Space Pirates Ltd.

Hello, friends. It has been some time. Those of you who do not post on the Boom Boom Forums may not recognize me, as I am a shadow of a past of an enigma of a boat, but I assure you what you’re seeing is no trick. This here is the real deal, so you’d better get used to it, shortcake.   As you may, but probably don’t know, Space Pirates Ltd. is a website. Some time ago, said website experienced a bit of “down time,” or as we in the “business” of arbitrary quotation mark use call it, “gown time.” No we do not wear dresses don’t be silly what is this charade we are not ladies! What we do during gown time doesn’t really concern you, but that’s not important. What is important is the change that occurred over that time. You see, as quaint and lovely and filled with tea parties as gown time may sound, the truth of the matter is it takes a heavy toll on people to lose their websites. It puts things in perspective, gets people thinking. It got me thinking, I’ll tell you what, and I started to wonder what would happen if my Internet voice box were permanently cut out. “They don’t make those robotic voice boxes, like that delightful Ned character has on South Park for CYBERSPACE!” said I, and suddenly I was filled with approximately a jillion woes. In that moment, I was surely one step closer to the edge and about to break, when a solution dawned on me like a bucket of Dawn in the eye. In order to carry on my legacy after my demise, I needed only one thing: a will.

The following is my will, to be carried out in the event of my death or if I’m cornered by a pretty big bee.

1. My corpse is to be converted into a marionette, which will be walked door to door by helicopter and made to dance for alms. The proceeds are to be donated toward a bigger helicopter. When my face has rotted away, a boom box or record player is to be placed around my neck that plays a looped track of whale songs. The people probably won’t know what the fuck.
2. Since I never had a puppy or kitty of my own, and my corpse will be busy doing business elsewhere, my coffin is to be filled to the brim with puppies and kitties that will accompany me to the afterlife. I am opposed to hurting these animals, so they should be dug up from nearby pet cemeteries and spatulaed up off of road sides. Flat kitties are acceptable as long as I can still pet them.
3. My headstone is to have the words “Dig here for tits” written on the front and be otherwise plain except for a decal somewhere of Calvin peeing on the Chevrolet logo.
4. Steve Figgatt is to be bent over and fucked. I don’t care who does it, just so long as it gets done.
5. To the visitors of Space Pirates Ltd. I leave my left pinkie toe, so long as it is never touched, looked at, or thought about. It is to be kept in a larger toe-shaped case that has the phrase, “THIS TOE COULD HAVE CURED CANCER BUT NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID YOU DAMN DIRTY APES,” scrawled on it in Sharpie.
6. To Macho Man Randy Savage, I leave a quart of milk or something I don’t know but he is pretty great you should buy his rap album.
7. To this update, I leave an abrupt, stupid ending.

Matt Flyntz, a long time member of the Space Pirate community, writes for the Grizzly - the newspaper at Ursinus College. Flyntz, as we’ve come to call him, is a political science major and usually writes political articles. Other times he does not. This is one of those times. Enjoy.

-Dan
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I am a lonely, lonely man, so I spend my days browsing through Ursinus students’ livejournals in hopes that their tales of woe may lift my spirits and get me through the day. This is an excerpt from one such journal. The author’s real name, for legal reasons, has been withheld, but I can tell you that his livejournal username is indieemodude123.

Monday, January 16, 2006 “This semester is going to rule!�

I just got back from classes, and let me tell you, I have the coolest professor. He’s new here. His name is Dr. Shazmo. Yeah, you’ve probably never heard of him. He has this new age approach to teaching that is just amazing. He doesn’t believe in grades, man. How cool is that? Anyway, the class is called “Existentialism in 20th Century British Literature,� but you’ve probably never heard of it. It’s great, because there are only six kids in the class, so it shouldn’t be cluttered with morons who don’t understand the concepts. That’s all for now.

Mood: Excited
Music: The Decemberists (you’ve probably never heard of them)

Wednesday, January 18, 2006 “untitled�

Classes were pretty good today. My friend, Bill, and two other students joined E20CBL. I guess word is spreading about how awesome Shazmo is. It looks like he’s on the right track for tenure! And, plus, the more people who know about existentialism, the better, because I swear, if I have to hear one more person say “What’s that?� I’ll throw away all my Death Cab CDs, and that’s practically synonymous with killing myself.

Mood: Content
Music: Death Cab for Cutie

Friday, January 20, 2006 “Poultry in the Washing Machine�

I don’t know. I thought the title was funny. I’m weird. Anyway, two more people joined E20CBL today. That makes 11. I’m kind of worried. I thought this was going to be a fun little class, but it seems to be changing. But I have faith that Shazmo wouldn’t steer me wrong. He brought in his guitar and played some Franz Ferdinand today! How cool is that?

Mood: Been better
Music: Minus the Bear

Monday, January 23, 2006 “Unbelievable�

Three more people joined today! And they’re all stupid jocks! Shazmo has decided to slow down so that these uncultured swine can “understand better�! Can you believe that? Why take a class on existentialism if you don’t understand existentialism? College isn’t meant for people to learn! It’s meant for people to show off their knowledge of trivial factoids! Ugh! Man, I hate to say it, but I’m not sure I’m going to like Shazmo that much. At least I can say I knew old school Shazmo.

Mood: Pissed
Music: Modest Mouse

Wednesday, January 25, 2006 “Who needs it, anyway?�

I dropped E20CBL. That bastard sold out. Like The Hives.

Mood: Pretentious
Music: Sunny Day Real Estate

This will be the first post of many in which David Randle and Dan Delaney flex their word muscles to create delightful rap ditties.

Dan: DAVE LETS RAP

Dan: Cause i aint seen a good shower in about three or four days
Dave: I got fiddy seven chevrons and a bottle of glaze
Dan: i got a mercenary’s heart and a pretty pink vase
Dave: Why’s this blue jelly shit all over mah face?

Dan: well wait a second davey you gotta be polite
Dave: man I ain’t got time ta bleed only got time ta bite
Dan: youse a hungry mother fucker, no doubt about that
Dave: sucka all these chimichongas gonna make me fat

Dan: HA HA HA, we are a joke creating duo
Dave: I crashed my motherfuckin pod like fuckin Mars Guo

________________________________

Dave: dinosaur betty had a rap that tore her
Dan: all of her dino friends simply adored her
Dave: but I ain’t layin eggs to propagate the sands of time
Dan: illegal protein use will merit a hefty time fine

Dave: pteredactyl tyrants be droppin dey bombs
Dan: till they gotta own up to their prehistoric moms
Dave: now every thunderlizard in the club’s extinct
Dan: all dinosaurs be out the window save the kitchen sink

Dave: yo dan delaney I gots fossils ta dig
Dan: well that’s what we do! we a fossil findin’ crew!
Dave: so slide me some bones an’ I’ll dance you a jig
Dan: a dance that’s so true! dino jig through and through

Dave: yo yo yo somebody gimme a word from the dino crypt
Dan: a word that you’ve heard? like roar, smash, eat or space comet?
Dave: nah raptah I’m talkin a word what we ain’t never let slipped
Dan: davey im not sure i follow can i get a hint or a tip?

Dave: I’m talkin DINOTOPIA
Dan: DINO
Dave: DINO TOPIA
Dan: DINO
Dave: DINO motherfuckin TOPIA
Dan: AWWWWWWWWW DINO TOPIA

Dave: everybody get down to the perfect dinociety
Dan: of t-rex pornography they have a calliope
Dave: it’s a place with no extinction of any variety
Dan: joe the single celled organism is their oldest retiree

Dave: hey darwin, what’s up bro what’s happenin
Dan: survival of the fittest, predator and prey and all that
Dave: now all these herbivores dey give me a bad rap
Dan: tell those plant eating pussies what im about to say
Dan: you gotta devour they bones all night and all day
Dan: this is the plan, this is the way
Dan: the scientific community gave me the “OK”