Ducks, Dolphins and Zombies

There are some readers of Space Pirates LTD who do not find it funny, in fact some find it offensive! I know I'm surprised too. Recent updates have caused this wonderful and enlightening website to be subject to much criticism. To those that don't like this site I will say the following, well thought out, intelligent statement, suck my wang.

On to other topics, Space Pirates is a name that was derived from much talk, debate and murder. I will tell you the story of how the name came into existence; it all started a long time ago, in a Wawa far far away... (Well it really depends where you live; perhaps it isn't that far from you, in fact, it may be that wawa that you go to every fucking day because you don't have the sense enough to go to a place that charges prices that don't bankrupt you every time you go shopping there) Ethan, Dan and I were strolling through a forest on a daily trek to our favorite store, Wawa. A can of mountain dew costs the small fee of $4.00! There are times when I wonder where all my money goes, perhaps it is all being fed to the Wawa, but most likely it just all gets consumed by that alien zombie that forces me to do slave labor for it while I jump up and down on my earlobe. Yes, jumping up and down on your own earlobe gets a little tough, especially when you have to let the alien zombie feast on your brain. And if you are questioning my sanity, alien zombies really do consider human brain a delicacy.

The alien zombie looked like this but with more alien

I have gotten a tad off topic though, so back to the epic story. We were walking back from Wawa with Dan rambling on about his idea to enslave some Chinese people, annex our friends room and mass produce cereal box toys for the Jackie Chan cereal. Every flake has, "Signed by me, Jackie Chan" written on it. But this is about the time when the pirate discussion commenced...

Have you ever seen that movie, Road warrior? If you are a camping faggot and haven't then I will tell you about it. Well I will just tell you about the parts that I want to, the parts that relate to space pirates. The Road Warrior is just a movie where people Free For All it in the Australian outback, oil is rare and people kill each other for it. The main point I was getting to is that the cars in the movie were awesome, and the fact that the movie has cool cars kind of relates to what I am about to write about. Well no. No, not at all. It relates to space pirates because the cars in the movie. Otherwise it doesn't relate to space pirates in at all, in any way, shape or form. So you are a sucker for reading this part, sucker.

The whole plan is to start off, as road pirates since there have been sea pirates for hundreds of years we wanted a new idea. What we would do it is purchase a cannon, like those seen in movies such as "The Patriot" or "Gettysburg". Some Indians may know them as "Firelogs" or "boomsticks". I am making those up but one Indian might have said that at one point in time over the few hundred years before they were completely annihilated by the white man or "cracker". The cannons I am talking about are the ones with the fuse that you light then they fire a solid iron ball. The first vehicle to hold this beast would be our friends ford ranger pickup truck, with the cannon mounted in the back. This is a brilliant idea even from the start, as you can see. All of us would wear eye patches and have hooks for one of our hands. Hooks are just orgasmic. Holy Jesus, I mean wouldn't you be a little frightened If you saw a car driving behind you with guys in it that are wearing eye patches and have hooks, that are operating a giant cannon?

Space Pirates aren't evil people, really.

WWe would plunder the loot from the other cars on the highway so we could get money, as our pirate mentors did to ships. In the pickup truck 2 of us would stay in the cabin while 2 of us would stay in the back, to operate the cannon. After we were on the highway we would find a nice car, pull up to it and prepare. There was the cool idea of having green fire come off the car for some reason, but most likely we would end up killing ourselves, fire is very dangerous. It is really more dangerous to play with fire than it is to jump from one car to another traveling at about 80 miles an hour when one car is firing a cannon at the other. One of us would hop onto the victim's vehicle, while the other made sure the cannon was lined up correctly. The person in the car would look over to their left and find themselves staring down the massive, gaping barrel of a cannon. If I were that person I would probably go crying for my mother or the man who is considered the greatest of all, or at least he considers himself greatest, Ray. Ray would slink on up in his "Droppers" mobile and fire his pulse laser at us, or perhaps he would utilize his most dangerous weapon used on innocent teenage boys, lawsuits.

Lawsuits are the lowest form of revenge. What scheming, earwax eating, dishwasher fluid-drinking, halogen bulb using, liposuctioned freak actually does that? Only a person whose body is so disgustingly obscenely fat that their brain has begun to be affected by the lard, that's who. This type of person should be sent to the liposuction clinic. Not just any liposuction clinic though, I mean the one where they suck out your fat, but as punishment for being fat they suck out your heart too. Try living now, lawsuit boy, or should I say Hearty Mcheart heart heart?!

The car we hopped on to would be forced to pull over, but in most cases they would just refuse. Most rich people value their property over their lives. The cannon would be fired at point blank range at them, and then we would take the car. Now I don't know if you are thinking along the same lines as me at this moment, but I think the law would be a little less than appreciative of this activity. To avoid the authorities (Popo) we would simply drive away to the secret pirate lair, AKA Ethan's backyard. No one would ever think to look for road pirates at the house where a truck is parked that has a giant cannon mounted on the back with a skull and crossbones painted on the hood. Never.

"Cover me, I'll take the leader" -This duck

After months of this plundering of innocents on the road, we would have gained experience in highjacking cars at high speeds, so we would move to bigger, better vehicles. Remember that crazy organization some refer to as NASA? Well they created one of the coolest land vehicles I have ever seen. Okay I have to interrupt my thoughts once again, and I was just thinking, why do ducks quack? I mean seriously, does an entire species have to be stupid and quack? Why not chirp or roar or something? Why not make cool sounds like C3PO made in star wars episode VI, Return of the Jedi? When C3PO was telling stories of his adventures he made some cool TIE fighter sound effects, so I want all ducks to sounds like the TIE fighters in star wars. So when ducks swim they should make the sound of a TIE fighter flying and when they take a shit they should make the sound of a TIE fighter shooting its lasers. Now that would be the coolest thing I have ever seen, heard or tasted. Mmmm, ducky...

Watch out, small innocent child! There is a very slight chance that that dolphin may attack you with thermonuclear weapons!

Back to my story though, NASA made this cool contraption that is made to move the Space Shuttle to its launch pad. It is massive and awesome but moves only at a speed of about 5 MPH. The main point is that it can launch objects into space and is big. The plan is to hijack this, put about 50 engines from stolen cars into it so we can move faster, then we become our own nation, A moving nation. A moving nation of doom. The crawler would serve as a launch pad for ICBM's, spacecraft and dolphins. Oh dolphins, always getting caught in fishing nets and dying, kooky clowns of the sea.

After becoming our own moving nation we would launch into space where we would pirate space shuttles and the like. That is where we got the name Space Pirates LTD.

Let me remind all the readers that here at Space Pirates LTD we frown upon homicide, stealing cars and any criminal activity. Laws are made for the protection of the people and everyone should follow these laws. All of us at Space Pirates LTD are law-abiding citizens and would only break laws if given very large sums of money. Have a pointless day you crazy dolphin/tuna eater!