One crapfest after another

The explosion at the end of aliens was like this...only I think a little bigger.

When you're me, which I often am, you never really have that much to do. Daily activities include sleeping, thinking about sleeping, not eating, and sometimes (but not usually) putting on pants. So as you can imagine, pretty much any type of entertainment attracts me like a moth to a moth strip-club. And as it turns out, I've taken a break from mentally attacking children and watching hardcore pornography and chosen movies as my main entertainment.

Now I'm sure there's no real reason for me to reiterate this, but I'm going to anyway.

Movies suck. A lot.

Okay, there's plenty of movies out there that don't fit in with the "sucking" category. Hell there's some that can even be described as "good". But the shit I've been exposed to would make grown men want to rip their own heads off. To just give you some examples of why I hate everything, here are some of the cinematic masterpieces that I've recently sat through.

OH GOD THE PAIN!

-Alien Resurrection

To tell you the truth I'm not entirely sure just what the whole Aliens deal is. The first one scared people back in the 70's (and let's face it, what wasn't there to be scared about in the 70's?), the second one inspired some cool video games, some more stuff happened, and then in '97 this new one gets ejaculated out. Thinking we were in for a real collision course of sheer terror and inescapable horror, my good friend Steve and I rented this new CGI-packed treat.

Oh God.

Just take Aliens and replace all the marines with cripples, the dykes with slightly attractive lesbian androids, and the dry ice with shadows. Then feed it to a bulimic pop artist and let them slightly digest it before regurgitating it into a filter which takes out all the good. This movie was an hour and a half long gang rape of my brain that ended (on a happy note) with the ship crashing into Africa and sending out an explosion which took up the entire hemisphere. I'm not kidding.

-Blue Crush

I will stop at nothing to administer swift and horrible death to Dan Delaney for dragging me to see this vomit inducing display of alligator placenta. To get an accurate feel for what seeing this piece of waste was like, follow these instructions.

Inject heroin directly into your cornea. Do not remove the needle.

Fill a garbage bag with gasoline and pornographic magazines.

Tie the bag over your head (make sure circulation is cut off) and run blindly through Death Valley until you pass out due to death.

Repeat as necessary.

After seeing this movie I realized a couple things. First, I wanted to die. Second, I wanted to make sure I took Dan Delaney with me. Though I must say, it was worth it seeing that preview for Eminem's new movie. Written by Eminem, staring Eminem, about Eminem's life. That one is gonna be a real winner.

And I'm tired of writing, so that's enough update for now. Be sure to check in next year.