Quaker Meat

I drive like this all the time, without exception

Now, have you ever heard the term "bald" ever used in good context? I will assume that by the sound that ivy makes when she loses(which is constantly replaying in my head) your answer is no. See, Ivy is a character in extremely popular game, Soul Caliber II. She is the character everyone hates to fight; her attack moves are almost unblockable and her sword is a goddamn link-sword, so it can turn into a long chain of sword death at her will. Dave Randle, Ethan Parry and Dan Delaney, my fellow space pirates, always head-butt the TV in pure rage and hate when they see they are going to fight Ivy. That is why I always choose Ivy when I'm in the mood for an ass kickin'. Now, some of you puny ants are wondering, "Steve, why do you use Ivy if everyone hates her, do you actually like Ivy?"

No.

I use Ivy as a façade to make it seem, to faggots like Dave Randle, that I actually do like her. In reality I loathe her, I wish that Voldo's claws would gore her and rip her, and her cheapness to shreds.

Voldo is another character in Soul Caliber II, and he is pretty fucking creepy. He is a mixture of mummy, zombie, wolverine and scary-hissy monster. All of those put together into one create a monstrosity that no one wants to see, no one in the entire universe. No one.

I realize that I am a little off topic, and I know that I never veer away from the main subject in any of my other rants so here is my apology

This bald hornet is not attractive, therefore I hate it, along with everything associated with its name in any way

Anyways, "bald" is not a nice word. I don't like bald things, such as bald tires. Friends, recently I became the owner of a 1991 Chevy Caprice, a car of gods. In the early 90's my homies, the bacon, would frolic about the roads in this kind of car. When I received this car, straight from Mt. Olympus, I realized that all four tires were almost completely bald. The Hog (as I named my baby) has a 305 V8 in it, a powerful engine. So, if I tried to accelerate in any weather other than bright, warm sunshine my tires would spin all over the place. One can see how this could be a little bit of a predicament, like when accelerating when the roads are wet due to rain or when some fuckhead kid tries to kill me by spraying his super-soaker on the road. This brings me to my next topic, the weather.

The sky is wacky and is not my friend. If you have existed on this planet for any period of time at all you have noticed that sometimes that big blue thing up there dumps horrible fluids of all sorts all over the place. Changes in the different horrible fluids falling from the sky are called "the weather". Now this, "the weather", can be pleasant depending on your level of crazy. Some people enjoy rain, some snow, some thunderstorms and some flying chunks of metal called meteors. Personally I enjoy thunderstorms, perhaps it is the deep rumbling sound that seems to emanate from everything all at once, or perhaps it is the beauty of the lightning moving from cloud to cloud. Or perhaps it is that I have always wanted to harness the power of the electricity in the clouds to create a super weapon that pumps electricity/plasma into all of my enemies.

This is what my weather machine would do if it were a tesla coil, which it is not.

In Red Alert 2, an excellent computer game, there was a super weapon cleverly titled "The Weather Machine". Basically, it formed thunderheads over the targeted area and destroyed more of what once existed under it. I want one of those in my room. I don't want a faggoty version either, there is probably some moron sitting at their slow computer reading this through their AOL browser asking their inherently stupid self, "why not use some other form of weather in this weather machine, like highly acidic rain or tornados?" Shut up you goddamn peacenik! If you wanted a weather machine you would have thought it up on your own, not by stealing my extremely intelligent idea and using it for faggot, like you are. Yes, this idea was mine alone and not derived from something my idols at Westwood Studios (the creators of Red Alert 2) thought up.

Whoa there, now I know you were just getting into the update, but I would not want to flood your head with too much awesome in one sitting. Now just sit back and absorb the amazing update you just read and attempt to contemplate the pure sexiness of the man who wrote this masterpiece.

Oh yes, there is no such thing as a "bald eagle".