The Blades: Redux

Just this weekend, I finally came of the Internet Stone Age and killed my first caribou.  And I also got high-speed cable.  Seeing the potential to download as many Kenny G. mp3’s as I could, I decided it would be smart to clear out some junk from the ole’ “Danny’s Stuff” file.  After an hour of deleting pictures of snowmen I made in MSPaint, I happened upon something truly remarkable:  the old “Blades” update.  So for your nostalgic pleasure, here it is:

Like this, but more blood.

Mmmmm…. Stevie Wonder.  That’s what I’m listening to anyway.  Completely irrelevant, but totally necessary.  Many a morning, Ethan and I sit on our vinyl covered bus seats and speak in tongues that may only be deciphered by true nerds.  In these spectacular conversations of over descriptive imagery, and inappropriate payment of homage to obscure media phenomena like Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen’s cinematic classic “How the West Was Fun.”, sometimes a random set of ideas flop together in a strange and harmonious function that creates an inside joke that will last a lifetime.  As I write this I’m searching through my mind like a hobo through a dumpster for such examples of these odd little miscreants of teenage vocalization.

One exemplar idea is one I like to call “The Blades.”  You see, we theorize that in the future driving will become tenfold more dangerous.  Instead of stoplights at intersections, the municipal traffic control association of the times will install blades.  At first the blades will be attached to pendulums mounted to trestles above the road.  At any given time, the blade will swing down, and not only will it stop you, but it may sever your car as well as your self.  Now many will operate to thwart these crude traffic control units.  So the blades will be taken to the next level.  Underground.  The blades you see on saw tables for cutting wood will now be put to use in the killing of children and kittens.  If you’re lucky, you’ll hit the side of the blade as it’s going by and only fuck up the front of your car and slam your face against the steering wheel.  Most likely though, you and your family will be sliced up into pieces smaller than Keith Richards liver.  Much soon after, a renegade group of blade technologists will invent “the spikes.”  As you can assume, these primitive traffic units will protrude through the bottom of your car.  Advances will be made so not only do the spikes impale you and your body in an effigy of futureness, but also they will repeat the action many times over, making you unrecognizable to your family members at your funeral.  Unless you’re cremated. 

Not exactly what I was looking for, but it'll do.

Now you say “Dan!  I cherish these horrific ideas of pain and suffering, as I am a sadistic Frank Zappa fan who owns only three pairs of socks!  But what if I get a car that’s taller and wider than the blades and the spikes’ reach?”  And I tell you after hours of long, gratuitous, Latino-style sex that there are two solutions to your query, you fuckhead.  New creations called “the pits” will be established.  These seem less threatening than the spikes or blades, but you couldn’t be more wrong.  The pits start out as what they seem: a big trap door like contraption opening under your car.  This isn’t one of those abysmal pits that never end or that has ex-presidents fall into.  No, no, no…  You land solidly about 15-20 feet below ground onto a conveyor belt.  The belt starts to move, along a long black tunnel.  And then lights flash on, and hundreds of little goblins pop out of nowhere with little metal pipes.  The goblins, who bear resemblance to an aborted fetus crossed with Art Garfunkel, bang their metal pipes all along your car screaming at you in their goblinish dialects, distracting you from your impending doom.  This sudden death is a fiery one.  A furnace will be your very well timed, and possibly captured on camera death.  Another solution to car modification would be rockets.  Not just any rockets though.  When the rockets are fired from the ground below, they will hit your car in such a way that if the explosion is played in slomo, it will show you dying in quite a hilarious way.  Think about it.

How appropriate. A car robot.

In addition to all these crazy apparatus’, will be robot policemen.  They will be equipped with lasers, rocket roller skates, and guns that freeze you when you run away from them and their robot-like policemanness.  If you have any further questions, e-mail me here, so I can delete it.