What Can Brown Take from You?

Laugh it up, you wacky teamsters.

If all the cracks about goths, traffic control, and Admiral Ackbar didn't tip you off, perhaps this will: It's been a while since old Dave updated the site. Now, under normal circumstances this would just mean I was basking in entirely too much sloth to update, and had better things to do such as building scale models of Gary Coleman out of toothbrush bristles; however, in this case I've actually become subject to labor under a corporation blacker than Barry White himself. I'm talking of course about UPS, better known as the United Parcel Service. This evil corporation has kept me away from the site since...hell, I don't remember. Check the archives if you're so Goddamned interested!

Now then. While I worked for this dastardly hellbound company a few things caught my attention. So what better way to show them to the world than through an update on our site that no one visits, ever? To tell you the truth I couldn't find one, so this will have to do.

One of my earlier observations was that of the higher status placed upon the High Imperial Dragon Master Deities also known as the drivers. These 50 grand-a-year-earning brown uniform-wearing teamsters seem to spend more time standing around laughing and making such humorous remarks as "Yo man. Fuck you!" than actually driving or delivering anything. In fact, there have been evenings where I have come in, walked by a cluster of chuckling drivers, toiled in the pit of despair for four and a half hours, then come back to see the same cluster still as jolly as ever. It's reached the point where I don't believe they actually do anything. Their job is merely to stand around, mock us and our lack of high salaries/uniforms, and create an aura of envy to try and fudge out the everpresent cloud of diesel fumes in the air.

I mentioned briefly the pit of despair. Contrary to what you may think, this is not a brightly colored fun-house full of delightfuly playful characters like that creepy albino in The Princess Bride. In actuality, it represents the different belts throughout the factory where boxes travel. The belts are located in such areas as PD-3, PF-5, Metro-4, and the Air Wall. Sure, the Air Wall sounds trippy, but as all soon disappointedly realize it isn't a giant wall of air that sends packages hither and thither by means of air-hockey jets. It's no different than any other wall, except it's filthier and noisier and probably has more disgruntled workers than the average wall in your home.

Unlike disgruntled workers in other occupations, UPS employees must stand when they work.

The United Parcel Service values its workers' disgruntled attitudes as high priority right underneath screwing the customers out of as much money as possible. UPS employs several tactics to keep its workers as disgruntled as physically possible without actually disabling them in any way. The idea is to get us, the workers, to hate our jobs so much that we will take out our anger on the witless customer. When a package comes and it is 0.5 pounds more than what John Q. Doe Schmo Customer says it is, we zap it with a laser, jack up the price, and give the package an official UPS Stamp of Disaproval. We then toss the package as jarringly as possible back onto the belt, or more likely onto the floor on the other side of the belt. Our goal is to break as much of the product being shipped as we can. Auditors like myself are good at this, but we are no match for the professionals: those who have dedicated their lives to the profession (failed at every other aspect of their lives) and chosen to stick with UPS to the bitter end (needed an occupation so as not to die.) There are three main divisions of this admirable worker league. Each is less interesting than the last.

The fatass in shorts

This employee wears shorts year-round and has worked at the company for a minimum of 15 years and lets everyone else know it by incorporating this fact into every sentence he speaks. For example: "Yo man, I feel bad for you guys having not been here for 15 years like me; you don't get payed as much. I been here for 15 years so my pay went up, man. HAHAAA, man they're telling us there's no work so we gotta come later; nah that's ok, man don't gimme a break or nothin' cause I only been here 15 years!" Generally he'll have a short name with an "O" attached to the end of it to add a little extra spice. Popular name choices are Steve-o, Gean-o, Mark-o, Pole-o, and Spaghetti-o. This worker will never ever shut up and as a result will mix his theories about the future, music, management, and basically anything else in the English language just to keep his one-sided conversation going.

Disgruntled, I am. Hmm?

The accidental job guy

This Frank Oz look-alike worker tried to get into college after high school only to remember that he never in fact went to high school. In a drunken stupor brought on by this realization, he stumbled into the employment wing of UPS. As UPS has a ZERO TOLERANCE policy for discrimination, they hired the drunkard on the spot. On top of that, they had him sign a lifetime contract in his own blood. This, aside from giving everyone in the employment office AIDS, granted him a permanent position in the pit of despair. Naturally, when he came to and realized what had happened, he was even more upset and went on a bender so intense that every bar-tender in the country finally bought that prostitute they'd been wanting. Unfortunately, this had permanent negative effects on his personality. No one around him could ever tell if he was joking around or firmly declaring his loathing. As a result, nothing he says is ever really taken seriously, or even taken at all. Instead he is ignored as often as possible in hopes that maybe he'll just go away and stop trying to say things.

This employee is definately an being the citizen of the United Parcel States.

The confused immigrant

Unlike the first two, this worker is usually happy as a clam on the barbie. Don't be fooled, though. This is just a clever ruse to mask the awful truth: he was not born in the Continental US! Seeing as UPS doesn't care whether said employee is an illeagal immigrant or not, the hiring factor is never a problem with these rapscalians. The conflict arises with fellow workers. So as not to seem strange, the confused immigrant will often try and act as American as possible. Choice phrases like "Yo wat is up mine homies!" may be uttered. Eagles baseball hats, and t-shirts with pictures of the World Trade Center collapsing beneath the phrase "We shall never forget." may be worn to show just how American this guy really is. The confused immigrant will need to be told how to perform a task at least three times and will screw it up at least seven. Do not be alarmed though. Although his customs may seem strange, this worker is usually the most harmless of the three and often has a delightful little accent.

In short, all I can say is don't work there. For the love of God don't work there! Think of the children! Think of your spouses! Think of your genitals! All these things and more will be crushed if you become a member of the UPS team.