Driving Update II: Attack of the Clones

Faggot

Since sequel-type updates seem to be the way the wind is blowing these days, I thought I'd squash the old tomato myself and give it the old Bundo try. I also have a topic which demands a sequel that's louder, faster, and bloodier than the first, for this topic stretches onward in an open road of whiny rants from a stupid site that becomes more and more of a rip-off of Something Awful every day. Actually no. It would be every day if we all (I) weren't so goddamned lazy and actually bothered updating ever instead of letting Steve's horrifically unfunny update stay up for generations upon generations. Don't get me wrong. Steve's a good guy, but just look at his hair! Look at his skin color for God's sake! Goddamn lobsterback, I'd be surprised if he didn't have all sorts of worms eating away at his many organs and drinking from his many capillaries.

Insulting Steve (henceforth referred to as "Faggot") and his updates aside, it seems mine is more than overdue. I'd give a big long explanation all about the complications that lead to this big old hold-up, but frankly, if you don't like it, go pay for your own goddamn website. Then I'll frequent it every day and complain about the quality of your free message board and all of its free content. Simply put, fine readers, I'm a lazy asshole who didn't feel like writing an update lately. Consequently, if you've any complaints that don't pertain to the quality of our free entertainment (which we pay for) then please, by all means direct them to our Complaints Section and our helpful customer service people will be sure to fill each and every one of your needs, and possibly attempt to make you buy fabulous Space Pirates merchandise.

This man definately wants to understand the road.

On to my topic: the last driving update I did covered the basic concerns one might have when he/she/fuselage first enters the driver's universe. It provided everything a novice could possibly need to know in order to operate an all-terrain (or in my case, one dry, flat terrain that isn't the least bit moist) vehicle. There you go. If you've read my previous update, you can drive. Good for you. However, knowing how to drive is only the first step in a long journey of two steps, three if you drive like Faggot. The second step is crucial in order to master the art of the drive. If you want to understand the road, you must become the road. To become the road, you must compress your body into one of those asphalt spitters on the back of steamrollers or whatever the fuck they are. How the fuck do I know how they make roads? Fuck you, nark. Anyway, all that "becoming the road" garbage is just for hippie beatniks who want to understand the road. If you want to understand what you're up against, you must understand other drivers and other obstacles that might hinder your rampage. Only one method exists that reveals them truthfully: an Internet list.

Animals

First thing's first. Mother Nature wants you dead and she wants it now. She'll unleash a variety of creatures to try and stop you from getting from point A to your precious point B, including small forest critters at first: chipmunks, rabbits, turtles, sloths, etc. These may intimidate the driving n00b but most soon realize their harmlessness and the fact that running straight over them won't do any severe damage to your tires, and is in fact known to make delightful squishy-squishy sounds.

Next come the guilt-trippers, animals with sentimental value: puppies, kitties, siblings, sloths, etc. The hesitation when careening head-on towards these cute little buggers can be overcome by sheer will. All it takes is practice, practice, practice!

Finally, we get into the real dangers, big animals. These include deer, moose, yaks, sharks, elephants, sloths, etc. If you see one of these, a good swerve is effective, but risky. The only way to be sure not to run into oncoming traffic is to have onboard weapons, such as cow-catchers, pulse lasers, or good old fashioned surface-to-surface missiles. You may want to bone up on your twisted metal scores (assuming you play that creepy-ass clown game) before attempting an all-out animal assault.

The Elderly

I could post a million pictures of old ladies on this site and it would never, ever get old.

Now, I'm never one to make generalizations, but every human being on the face of the earth over the age of 65 and behind the wheel is the single slowest and least coordinated driver in the history of the universe. The Elderly, better known as Soylent Green or simply Soylents, will do anything and everything in their power to stop you from reaching beautiful point B, and all its milk and honey and porn or whatever the hell you buy at the market, sickie! When they receive word that all the kitties and sharks riding elephants in the world couldn't stop you, they'll kick it into high gear, which ironically is probably low gear and low speed. They will drive at least 84 miles per hour under the posted speed limit and yet still manage to keep zero wheels in the correct lane at all times. This strategy may tempt you to pass them, but do not be swayed, for if you do, you may have to deal with the third and most faggoty driving force of all: (aside of course, from Faggot) the police!

The Police

I'll be blunt. I hate the police, not to be confused with The Police, that Sting band, although I hate them too. Maybe someday if one saves my life or gets back my precious collection of wookie scalps, or whatever one day gets stolen from me, then maybe I'll like that specific cop. But that's it. There's a big long story all about why, and I don't feel much like telling it again, particularly because it's not a very funny story. I know, I know. That would be in keeping with the rest of my unfunny update, ha ha. But I still don't care, I'm not telling it in my update. So there.

Anyway, aside from what Sesame Street and that stupid show about math that was a ripoff of Get Smart, only it had a lady cop named Monday in it and it was for kids and I watched it religiously have taught you, the police are not here to help. They are out for money. They are out for blood. They are out for - YOU! You cannot trust them. If you ever see a cop under any circumstances, immediately assault him/her/him with whatever blunt/squishy object you can find; beat until dead.

Why did I bring this up again? Oh yeah, driving. Right, the cops will pull you over if you pass the Soylents. I know what you're thinking, "God damn, my penis is small!" unless of course you're the other of the two people who read this site, in which case you're thinking "God damn, the other guy who reads this site has a small penis!" However, you may also be thinking "But I want to pass the Soylents, Dave! What do you expect me to do? Wait patiently behind them?" Of course not! I will not here of such blasphemy. Obviously, you can't pass them due to lurking officers of the law. And you can't just wait behind them, 'cause Christ! So, there is again, only one solution. Either use your remaining weapons to eliminate the Soylent and/or Po-Po threat, or simply ram the Soylent into the cop car. It's as simple as that. And yes, I am well aware that those were two choices. Bugger off, wanker.