This week Ethan forgot to send me the pictures that were supposed to go with his update. I considered giving him a chance to send the pictures in a later email, but instead I just put up a few pictures of him at some of his greatest moments. Enjoy.
-Steve
As many of you internet-goers might have noticed, there are several common themes that can be found repeating themselves on page after page. We’ve all seen those geocities sites that feature the ever-popular "ThInGs ThAt AnNoY mE" lists. And who could forget the much loved "My poetry" section? And let’s not forget the other boy in the band, "Random friends pics!!1" But don’t laugh! These GIF-filled sections are the glue which hold our precious internet together. If it weren’t for these terrific examples of youth culture, there would be padding between sites like google and yahoo. Remember kids, you can’t build a house without highly toxic insulation. In their own special way, every geocities site is helping the internet to survive, and therefore helping the community. Now we here at Space Pirates ltd aren’t all play and games. We realize that we too have responsibility to our community, and because we like to give back, Space Pirates ltd has launched a variety of new community outreach programs. In our secret meetings atop Mount Doom, the overlords and I have decided on many changes that both of our regular readers will have to adjust to.
- We realize that there is a distinct lack of patriotism on this site. To compensate for this fact, Dan Delaney’s (hereby referred to as Dan "Never forget" Delaney) car will be outfitted to be more America-loving. Red and white stripes will be sloppily painted up and down the side (representing the dripping blood of the Uncle Sam’s enemies), and the windows will all be shattered, leaving jagged shards of glass that serve to protect our nation’s ideals.
- Steve’s basement will be remodeled to suit a day center for underprivileged inner city children, where they can spend the day in a safe, clean environment, participating in such arts and crafts activities as watching me play Starcraft and getting me more Mountain Dew: Code Red.
- We all know that with only two people living in it, Dave’s house is a gross waste of space. It was decided by me a few minutes ago that it will be turned into a habitat for those who really need it - Deranged homeless people and rabid forest animals. Now of course we realize that many of these specimens may have trouble adjusting to their new environment, but fear not. No amount of cargo netting or electrical shocks is too much for the price of stability, and we will stop at nothing to make sure that every hobo and diseased mongrel is well adjusted after a small period of a few short, torturous brainwashing weeks. Furthermore, Dave "The Dread Pirate" Randle will hereby be referred to as David "The Pet Detective" Blaine.
Of course as many of you have no doubt noticed, none of these changes have affected the actual site, which brings me to the next segment of this update. We here at Space Pirates ltd realize the importance of geocities-esc sites. As stated earlier, these amazing pages pillow the world wide web, serving as important padding between the more important sites. And so as my contribution to The Space Pirate ltd. Community Outreach Program, I present to you not the standard "People I Hate" list, but rather, "Emperor Ethan’s list of people who hate Emperor Ethan".
You hate Ethan if…
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I found this when I typed "ethan" in google image search. I love the fist action, lensflare included.
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- You are in a rush and want a coffee product from the Barnes and Noble café. The reason for this is simple. During my employment in this Frap-filled wonderland, I have developed many systems of keeping myself entertained during the dreary minutes of my 8 hour shifts. For instance, if someone makes the grievous error of telling me that they want non-fat milk more than once, they get half and half with whipped cream mixed in. If some miscreant makes it a point to repeat that they want a decaf drink again and again, they get five shots of espresso. If some fucking yuppie dares approach me with a cell phone, well, I follow them home and murder their pets. And as a general rule, whenever anyone shows even the most remote sign that they are in a hurry I make it a point to go so inhumanly slow that the flow of time around me is reversed.
- You belong to the Improv Club at Henderson High School. It is my duty to run this happy little group of kids, who consist mostly of hyperactive little shit-weasels with A.D.D coming out the ass that don’t shut up long enough for the sound of my gritting teeth to reach the throbbing red brain mass in my pounding skull. Needless to say I’m not in the best mood during these circumstances, and it’s not uncommon for me to ruthlessly attack each individual on a deeply personal level, while making sexually explicit hand gestures in reference to all of their mothers.
- You would classify yourself as a hippy. I tend to disregard these slimy beings as sub-humans, and have no qualms about expressing this notion. Should one of these unfortunate pot heads find me in a bad mood, it is not uncommon for them to end up screaming in agony, Uncle Sam leaflet freshly hot-glued to their face.
- You sit at a lunch table that is within a 25 foot radius of me. For 45 minutes each school day, my fellow lunch-goers and I take a break from the stress of academics to enjoy a casual meal. Unfortunately for everyone within earshot, any given conversation we’ve had would make Blackbeard himself shiver with disgust. Various subject matters include sex with Jeremy’s mom, sex with Jeremy’s sisters, and sex with Jeremy.
- You dated Steve Figgatt.
I hope that the adding of this list has made Space Pirates ltd. a much more people-oriented site. Please drop in next week when Dave will post pictures of our latest attempts to rebuild the Berlin Wall.
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Also: Submitted for your approval by the one and only Dave "The Dread Pirate" Randle, this lovely pictograph of friends sharing special time. That's "special." "Time." Oh, and that's Jeremy he's with.
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