So here's what happened. It was early one fine spring morning when Dave, Steve, and I took a trip down to the cinema, hoping to view a witty and entertaining film. Well, actually we just needed something new to make fun of, as that paraplegic kid next door moved to a foster home. We were hoping to catch one of those movies that are so bad that it's entertaining, like Evil Dead, Plan 9 from Outer Space, or Citizen Kane. We decided on the film House of 1000 corpses, written and directed by Rob Zombie. Ho boy.
This movie has a rather interesting beginning, in that it has nothing to do with the rest of story. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure it was just stock footage from another movie. At this point I should tell you about the stock footage. At various points in the story (note: my use of the word "story" is very liberal here) the movie just plays various film clips of horror movies from the 70's, cartoon clippings from the 50's, and pornography from the...whenever. Every now and then they'd get tricky and throw in some special effects. And when I say "special effects" I mean "they played it in negative art form" which, for you graphic-illiterate people, takes about two clicks of a mouse. Now it would make sense if it switched to negative art when something scary happened, as a way of letting you know you were supposed to be scared, but it would just do it whenever they felt like it! It's like at the very last second they tried to make it an artsy film. I've been told that it's "rock and roll art" and that I'm too much of a "faggot" to understand.
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| Yeah, I just never got tired of looking at that." |
There are 4 main characters in the movie, none of whom are likeable. As soon as they're introduced you start pining for their demise. At first it's just two miserable looking failures driving on some street in the middle of the night. The guy driving is obviously supposed to have the nerd motif going for him (huge glasses, constant star trek references, ect.) while the slob in the backseat, Jerry (the only reason I know his name is because later in the movie there is a 5 minute scene where the only dialogue is a girl chanting his name again and again) has the whole "I'm a big fat jackass who is definitely not going to die" thing going on. And then there are the two girls (who materialize in the backseat where Jerry was sitting in the previous shot - I don't know, maybe they're ghosts or something) who really don't matter at all. In movies like these women usually only serve the purpose of keeping you in the theater - after all, you might get lucky and see a boob.
Then there are the killers. Now you'd think it would be easy to make up psychopaths. Slasher movie killers rarely need motivations. The reason they're scary is that their horrible homicidal deeds have no rhyme or reason - thus it could happen to anyone even YOU! HOAHAHAHAA! Unfortunately, the horror aspect is kind of lost when the main characters all die because of the simple fact that they are dumbasses who make decisions that no rational person would ever consider. Still don't understand? Take a look at this helpful comparison.
Person who has just seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre: "Holy shit, there could be a psycho hiding in my house and there's nothing I can do about it! Guess it's time to burn the place down!"
Person who has just seen House of 1000 Corpses: "Well, I guess I could be victim of a psycho attack if for some reason I pick up a dead hitchhiking ghost chic and go back to her house and eat the monster food that her family gives me and...uuch, whatever. Screw you, Rob Zombie."
Now when you come down to it, a killer in these types of movies isn't amazingly hard to make. How about a zoo keeper that goes crazy and murders tourists to feed his animals for some reason? See, I just made that up! It's easy! Though now that I think about it I'm pretty sure I just stole that idea from Kenan and Kel, but you get the point. Of course House of 1000 Corpses somehow manages to fail in even creating good villains. Instead we get this awful family of hics who may or may not have evil powers and/or be dead. They never really explain it.
So right now we're stuck with a bunch of idiotic annoying protagonists, and a troupe of dysfunctional, grossly unbelievable antagonists killing each other in an unknown location, at an unspecified period of time, in a universe which may or may not be ours. Oh, somewhere in there is a clown who shoots people, but he was only in the movie for the first and last 10 minutes, but they played him up more than all of the other characters combined, so I figured I should tell you about him. Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm not even going to try to walk you through the chain of events, as whenever I try to recall them my brain immediately takes control and brings up a happier memory - usually the time I had my fingers sawed off. However, I feel that it's important that you get a grasp just what the dialogue in this movie was like. So here it is, copied and pasted directly from the script - The "Red Hot Pussy Liquor Scene".
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| Here he is, writing and directing genius." |
INT. RED HOT PUSSY LIQUORS - MIDDAY
Off to one side is a curtained room. A sign reads "XXX
8mm loops", sex noises can be heard inside.
CASHIER: You all having a Halloween party tonight?
BABY: Now, what makes you think that?
CASHIER: You all sure are buying a lot of holy water for two people.
BABY: Yeah, well we like to get fucked up and do fucked up shit, you know what I mean?
CASHIER: Yeah, yeah...(giggling)...I like to fuck shit up.
BABY: I'll bet you do... how much we owe ya...(looks at his name tag)...Goober?
CASHIER: (looking down at his tag) Actually it's G. Ober... Gerry Ober, but the guys drew in the other O, fucking assholes.
BABY: (uninterested) Great story Goober, how much?
CASHIER: Ummmm... two hundred and eighty-five dollars.
Baby throws down three hundred dollars.
BABY: Keep the change and get yourself a new name.
CASHIER: Holy crap, thanks!
Whew. Sheer genius. Keep up the good Rockstar art, Rob Zombie. Maybe Lucas will let you help him on Episode 3.
