A Factual Documentary

While playing a relaxing game of billiards down at the student union, I recently had the glorious joy and privilege of watching Michael Moore’s latest documentary, Fahrenheit 9-11. After the credits rolled and I wiped the tears of hatred out of my eyes, I realized I had changed into a new person – not only had a second penis grown out of my forehead, but I realized that I now had a duty to myself and my country. No longer could I hope to get away with arguing with useless tools such as “facts” and “the truth.” No longer would I sit around apathetically while hundreds and thousands of words remained unquoted out of context. I realized that there is a new Michael Moore in town, and his name is Ethan “lord of fear” Parry. I could become a documentalist. All I had to go was find some quotes, and where better to turn for that than the internet. Now the first thing that I’ve learned as a documentarianationer is to not tell anyone what I think. I will only present the FACTS! So what follows are some ACTUAL DIRECT quotes from John Kerry.

In his speech at temple university, Kerry screeched at a shocked college audience that “Ben Franklin…brutalized…Democratic and Republican leaders in Congress…with…[a] large…Turkey…of justice!”

Cowering in a corner, a trembling audience of the 124th Annual Session of the national baptist convention was forced to listen again and again to Kerry’s voice booming over the loudspeaker, repeating “I...[am] a…Vulcan…slave trader!”

Lately a lot of people have been wondering how the Kerry administration would have helped support south American countries which have felt the devastating effects of Hurricane Ivan. As a citizen, I used my mind to ask Kerry what he will do to aid these crippled nations. In his Congressional Hispanic Caucus speech, he responded with “I’m sure you would agree that the best way we could honor their service is to finish the job.” After hearing this horrifying news I began to ask how he would deal with the invevitable protests here in America. Before I could call up Kerry’s castle atop Mount Doom to ask my question, Kerry went on to say, “[I’ll end] that strike by going to Mass and breaking…Robert Kennedy.”

Now I’m a good documentationalistarionator, so I won’t tell you what I think about this Kennedy-breaking madman. However, after presenting this completely factual documentary, I am curious to see how my fellow peers view the political world. Young Matt Flyntz, who may or may not have hopped in a time machine after reading this factual documentary, logged onto his person computer system and said “I…[am]..a pervert…Hell…terrorist” while, quite possibly, eating a 2 week old kitten. He then went on to say “[kill the Jews]”.

While it saddens me as a documentationalistarianatorist, I realize that sometimes even the PURE, UNEDITED FACTS are not enough to sway the pawns of American Society. If however, you want to join me in my fight for TRUTH, please feel free to e-mail me with your opinions on John “I punch pregnant women” Kerry. Now, like my hero and idol Michael Moore, I will end my 100% COMPLETELY FACTUAL documentary by quoting a famous author with obvious relevance that is certainly not taken out of context whatsoever.

“He’d need to change back into a spider in order to get back up, but by the time he made it, his stomach was rumbling and his mouth was sour with hunger.”
-Stephen King, quite possibly referring to John Kerry.

Clown Weds Dog

This equals...

Well, not really. Having nothing better to do in my spare time then post on an internet forum, I put up a thread named "Word Association." The rules are simple. I posted a picture of a dog that I found on Google Image Search The next person that posted would look at the aforementioned picture and let their mind jump to it's first conclusion. Whatever that first thought was, they would do A GIS for that word or phrase. 100 posts later, we have Tim Curry as an evil clown. Quite amazing.

...this.

Being the mean internet daddy I am, I ruined all the fun and closed the thread. Mean Daddy definitely encourages all you forumers to start a new one. Maybe you will be lucky enough next time to have your picture posted right here on the very first page. I am also curious as to how a dog and a famous crossdresser ever came to meet. If I get any feedback, my next post will be a story based on the e-mail that holds the most validity in regaurds to our new illustrated friends.

Attn: Smokers Wanted

They lie in waiting...

I've been attending my school (PSU Delco) for over a month now, and I've noticed something that stands out significantly. There are only two types of people who go here. Those who smoke and those who don't. They have different ways of talking, separate genitalia, and different habitats. The past 30 days or so, I've acted as a real life Jane Goodall (she was so fake) to bring to you, the readers a through analysis of this environment.

The non-smoker is a calm and friendly type. They remain mostly inside, looking at porn on their laptops, or doing their pornographic homework. They form few bonds between each other, preferring the silent hum of the air conditioner as a companion. Most non-smokers hold jobs as “assistants” at their parents law firms, or they hold no job at all. A majority rely on “mommy and daddy” as a source of income. Fascinating! For fun they listen to bands such as Coheed and Cambria, and the most common body covering is a black t-shirt that announces their attendance at an overpriced festival. They have little prowess in the field. When approached aggressively, they curl up and play dead. This is most advantageous for “non-smoker hockey.”

One of my assistants pointing to non-smoker feces.

The smoker is surely the king of the jungle. Their occupations come along the lines of “auto technician” or “grease eater.” This specimen has hair all of their bodies, as they remain outside at all times. In constant need of tobacco, you will never see a smoker without some form of their precious “not-so-wacky tobacky.” Thusly, it appears that the smoker can breathe fire. This is true. Never stand too close to a smoker, or you might lose all your laptop porn in the mess. Smokers prey on non-smokers for fun, trapping them in “eating circles” and torturing them until they are at last devoured. Quite a spectacle.

I hope you’ve enjoyed our little journey into the jungle! I know I did. So if you ever catch a glimpse of either of these two specimens, make sure you note it on the message board, so other space pirate anthropologists can share your knowledge.

On another note, while in this foreign land, I recorded a folk song that is used at ceremonies called “circle-jerks.” Give it a listen.

Omnicommie - Coins

A quick look at Emperor Ethan’s inbox

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Subject: (none)

You need to update. I don’t care what the hell it is, just as long as it’s up by next weekend. You can talk about how much you hate me. You can image search for “ Osama porn” and post the results. You can slap the keyboard with your dick for 5 minutes. I don’t fucking care. Just put something up you fucker! Also your parents said I could move in with them as long as I pretended to be you, so don’t expect any more money or contact from them.

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The Time For Action Is Now!

That's right! Do the 'naughty hobo!' Do it for Daddy!

All right, you maggots! You! Stand at attention, or I'll assfuck you so hard, your Mother will have a tea party with the Pope's masseuse! Every day we get close to the initiative! That's right! The initiative! What you STD-ridden faggots have been training for since you were little faggots, who hadn't gotten so many STD's as a result of not being able to be as promiscuous as you currently are! The Space Pirate army will soon commence operation "Screaming Eagle." This mission is essential to the Space Pirate cause!

Tomorrow you, and your fellow soldiers will gear up and try not to act like you're the walking talking form of a woman's genetalia! You'll eat that sloppy disgusting "food" we give you and you'll like it. You know what soldier? That's really just a bowl full of your ground up dead buddies. If you don't like it, too bad! If I hear so much as whimper from any of you, you'll end up as soldier soup too!

OH GOD DAMN!

What's that private? What I just said didn't make any sense? I'll kill you! I'll fucking kill you! You are soldier soup! Take him out of my fucking sight! And take that chubby looking one too! Fucking cum-guzzler, you should take break from sucking cocks...

Next, you will board the transport-crafts wherein you will be told such supportive things as "Die! You die like a good little bitch! Do my mother fucking laundry you fucking asstoaster!" This is for morale of course. The transports will land on Planet Pyrennadon. They will put you safely on the ground by opening the bottom hatch and letting you fall to the ground 200 feet below.

Did somebody drop their fucking lollipop?

Your mission is as follows: run into the enemy head on at all costs. Nothing should let you think that it is OK to defer from this plan! Run and die! Run and die! Run and... uh who's that whimpering? Ah Private Jeffkin... Are you crying for your Mommy? Do you want your Mommy? I mother fucking killed your Mommy! She dead! I lopped off her head, took a fucking dump in it, covered it in bread crumbs and tomato sauce, cooked it for an hour at 350˚F, and served it to mother fucking Alex Mack! You know, that one girl all made of gobbledy gook? Well fuck; if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you. You are soldier soup, Private! End of story!

For the few of you who actually return from this mission, there will be no ticker-tape parade. There will be a spit parade. The citizens of this fine organization will be formally invited to spit on you! Some of them will be paid! Spitty spit spit, all over your body! Feel it! Can you feel it now? Warm and sticky! That is all, soldiers! I hope you all die at the cold hands of your greatest fears!