Ah, yes. It's time for another meaningless update where I write about completely nothing for a little while so that your bantha's fodder can be used as insults by Sebulba. Oh George Lucas, you Gungan energy ball loser. The other day, on one of my hourly shopping sprees at the Abercromfuck and Itchy store, I noticed that the giant poster of a dude with no shirt on was being replaced with an even bigger picture of this attractive sex-machine. Seeing this gave me an excellent idea, and idea that probably dealt with something comical or interesting, but that idea has completely vanished from my brain.
I really love the Aberloony and Zoombini store, or however you spell it. Every time I pass by it those popular tunes drift out and give me the unusual urge to wear striped shirts and visors and hit on every girl I see. When these urges occur, I begin to wonder why they come about. Usually I don't wear visors or striped shirts, and the first time I tried to hit on a girl I was permanently scarred. The girl turned out to not be a girl at all. No sooner had the first words escaped my lips when a 5 foot long tongue streamed from her right nostril and shoved me into her bellybutton, where I found a new definition for pain and suffering as I was digested over a period of a thousand years. Her species was Hutt and "she" turned out to be "Jabba the Hutt. Somehow I escaped and that is how I am telling you this original tale, a tale not stolen from Star Ears Episode VI, Return of the Jedi. And yes, Jabba did have a sarlacc pit in his bellybutton.
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| This is a non-photoshopped picture of me wearing my favorite garb |
The Abner and Hick store has made we wonder why these thoughts enter my brain whenever I walk by its entrance. There is a thing that exists called subliminal messaging. Through many hours of pondering I have deduced, that my favorite store, Baloney and Beans, has resorted to subliminal messaging so that innocent, regular customers, such as myself, will continue to shop there. Now this subliminal messaging doesn't end by simply getting people to shop at Another and Spleen, oh no. Secret plans have been devised to construct a visor-wearing cult that takes over third world countries and enslaves the indigenous peoples so that they can make more shirts similar in nature and eventually there will be an ABS and Fidget army formed. This army will be used to battle the rival army of Black shirts with small white writing on it.
The black shirts with small white writing are the mortal enemy of the Adderzombie and Fish store. For short I will call them TBSWSWW. TBSWSWW's hate those phat visor-wearing da bomb mofo's. And they will do anything to wipe them off the planet or at least that is what I have deduced from hours of drowning in the bile this that TBSWSWW's post on the internet. Some intellectual phrases that can be found on the TBSWSWW's shirts are," I'm depressed and don't care what you think, even though I try to impress you or something by wearing shirts that have phrases on them that are as black as my black soul, black black black!" but my favorite is," you laugh because I am different". The supergoth powers (the powers these shirts give you) are obviously amplified when they are near each other because I always see about 200 of these kids wearing this shirt right next to each other, trying to look ominous and cool. I just love the diversity they speak of, its just so true!
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| Here is where the sequel-ness comes in, kinda...
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Now the Amdahl and Fitch clan has a few different types of attire. The "varied" types appear to be very similar because the clothing designers are all colorblind monkeys.
"Delicious Banana's" (as the designers suspiciously named the shirt) or the generic AG@#(&@# and Fitch shirt consists of the name printed across the front in a bent fashion. Personally I think that the monkey's minds were elsewhere when they designed this masterpiece, or they were just hungry. Yeah, Okay! Oh! Lets put our cleverly designed logo on every fucking shirt we own in a bent manner! Oh, wait! I am gey and enjoy scrumptious bananas so I will make it banana shaped, like the food, bananas. While I am at it I will find some colorblind apes and tell them to choose the color if the shirts we will sell. People will want to buy them because every time they walk near our store the nipples on the poster of that hot guy shoot out a bandwagon A&F serum, making resistance futile! Pardon me but I am going to steal some more Borg lingo, Resistance is futile, prepare to be assimilated. Gey!
The second type of shirt is the one that appeals to the sporty ones. Now if you don't have a fetish for banana shaped logos then you can still wear Afhkjhjkh and finger shirts because they make up sports that Abercrondi and Bleach are "involved with". The latest model is one that boasts about polo. Yeah, I guess people still play polo, on the weekends they all get their goddamn top hats, muskets and dogs to go fox hunting. This sounds extremely accurate.
Absolutely no one likes the 3rd type of clan member. Fellow members of the class have strong feelings of dislike for each other too. Often the front of their hair is gelled straight up to symbolize how they are straight up assholes. In their free time, tossing the salad is a hobby, sickies. These bumbling buffoons oaf their way around the schools and run into people intentionally. After nearly crushing the innocent with their massive juggernaut of a body they attempt to pick a fight with the poor, unsuspecting innocent. Eventually when they war between TBSWSWW's and the Air and Fag clan happens it will be this class of individual that will be use in the front ranks as shock troops. While lumbering towards the enemy shouting hardly offensive, overused insults they will hit that wave of individuals who are all dressed in black. Hopefully this will wipe both the lumbering ogre and the stupid Goths he runs into, if not then uhh, rape me. Rape me dead.
The shirt types go on, but frankly, I don't feel like presenting them all to you because I am a bastard. If you have any complaints or problems or if you want to flatter me (I know everyone reading this does without exception) you can send me email which I will likely reply to by hitting you in the forehead with an aluminum baseball bat.
