So raise your hand if you haven’t heard about the latest sniper news. Okay good. Now take that hand, shove it as far down your throat as possible, and keep it there. Continue this process until you die due to Hand Down The Throat Syndrome (HDTTS), for you are an un-American piece of filth who must be living under some sort of rock or possibly in space, covering your ears with duct tape and welding your eyes shut with a hot iron.
Much like Batman, Superman, and Coleman (Gary), the sniper has America covered in a camouflage blanket of confusion. Virtually everyone wants to know just who he is, and how easily is inner organs can be ripped out. Of course to get to the man behind the scope, the government has assembled a team of Hannibal Lecter-like psychiatrists and other such delvers into the human psyche. Now all sorts of theories as to why this guy feels it necessary to relieve people of living through the process of ‘piece of metal through em’ have sprung up. And of course, when someone fires a gun, there’s always that horrible dark voice behind them. That nagging heart wrenching dark god persuading them to pull the trigger. The master of terror and puppeteer of the mad. I’m talking of course, about video games.
It’s always so wonderful when the computer is blamed for some psychopath’s wet dream brought to life. I’m sure the fact that the psychopath is a psychopath has absolutely nothing to do with it. And of course we all know that the world was a heaven-like utopia before those horrid video games were spawned. See back in the 70’s no one ever killed anyone else. Then along came Doom, Quake III, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (that one with the horrible water level where touching anything made the screen start to convulse and that earsplitting noise shot at you as your last character died for the 40 billionth time. Yeeesh), and the world went to hell.
Sure, it started off simple enough. At first the psychopaths just jumped on each other’s heads and filled up the city water pipes (which at the time were green and infested with piranha plants). But sure enough, after time progressed a bit, we found ourselves in a society riddled with barrel throwing freaks kidnapping our princesses left and right, street fighters shooting off haduken after haduken, and legions of zergling invaders raping our wives and eating our children and eating our wives. We’re living in a video game nightmare world, people! By eliminating video games we will eliminate violence, and return once again to the unearthly paradise of the early 1970’s.
