If You Don't Like Star Wars, Skip This

Oh-ho! His head is on the wrong body! DERPITY DERPY DERP!

If you haven't by this point deduced that I'm disgustingly pumped full of nerd enzymes, you're probably either a newcomer or that blind mutant kid who lives on the toxic waste dump down the street from me. So, if for some reason you don't know or think I'm in denial, I want to make this fact very clear: I am a huge nerd and spend way too many valuable hours of my life writing stupid updates about things like Star Wars and video games and video games involving Star Wars. No wait. That last one was Steve. Well, he's a nerd too…and a douche magnet. I just want you all to know that I'm well aware of how nerdy the following update is, and that I should be using this time to do something productive like preparing for college or masturbating or something.

Now that that's out of the way...

Remember being a child? Of course you do, unless of course you're the aforementioned toxic mutant kid, because let's face it, the kid has a tough time remembering what happened 0.007 seconds ago. For those of you like me who didn't take math this yeah, that's very few seconds, way less than 30 seconds. Anyway, when you were a child you undoubtedly had all sorts of dreams for the future. You'd think to yourself, "The future's going to be great! We're all going to have flying cars, and laser blasters and we'll steal money from George Jetson!" Don't tell me you didn't. I know each and every one of you said that exact sentence at at least one point in your life. Little did you know, your little world would soon be crushed, shattered into unidentifiable pieces, much like the heart of this poet was…well, no wait. It almost was, but it wasn't. She just felt shards poking around her center, but that's like having her world crushed.

Kamino

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. So, your world was crushed. You woke up one day and realized that the year 2,000 would bring you no flying cars, no cyborg teachers, and perhaps worst of all, no silver jumpsuits! I'm still waiting for that, by the way. It's the future; where's my goddamn silver jumpsuit? What's my point? It's simple. I had a dream too when I was but a wee lad of…OK, shut up. It was a few years ago. But my dream, unlike your stupid cumdumpster dreams involved something real, something that actually could have been; a movie trilogy that had the potential to be something magnificent. Now that dream is gone. I'm an old, old man now of 17, and my childhood fantasies have been stepped on like a common ladybug. Uch. Goddamn ladybugs, infiltrating our society. Disgusting!

Of course, I'm talking about Star Wars. Like any good Capitalist American I grew up loving the old trilogy and eagerly awaiting the new, undoubtedly much better prequels. I'm not about to go into what a disappointment they were. If you want that, you can just read for yourself all my furious rage in the Movies Forum. I'm here because I've given up, and would now like to submit to the cause of the Yay! Let's not kill George Lucas! movement. The following are excerpts from my rendition of how I hope and expect the script for the third movie, Episode III: Annie in da Hood, G-Money to be. I'm not very good at writing scripts, so they're all in MS Paint format. I'll just set the scene for you.

Scene 1: Turmoil has engulfed the Republic for some reason, which we don't get to see. The Trade Federation is losing its hold on the Galaxy and is now turning to alternate methods of Hentai robot tentacle rape movies. Get it? It's funny because they're Japanese.

Scene 6.4: Turmoil has engulfed the Senate. Senator Palpatine is having more and more trouble convincing Senators Chewbacca and Wicket of the fact that he's really not such a bad guy. Now chaos reigns supreme.

Scene 800,000: Turmoil has engulfed most of the turmoil which had already engulfed all the turmoil of the previous scene. Commander Yoda is about to lead his army of Jango Fetts (Uch. Jango Fett. Stupid name.) to defeat the evil droid armies of Count Darth Boku, the new Dark Lord of the Sith, for a while.

Conclusion: Here's the part where I show you what appears to be a glimpse of the exciting special effects-riddled conclusion of the film, which when you go to see the movie turns out to be the entire scene. Lucasfilm pulls this one a lot. It's what we in the business like to call "being ass reamers."

God damn, that update was bad. I certainly hope you skipped it.