War Is Such A Nasty Word...

Ahhh… At the helm of a totally new ship. This being the first update to premiere on the new page, I’ve decided to address the most important matter to our bloated cow of nation, America. Realizing that I just compared our country to an oversized cow, I go on to say, this site is not partial to any particular side of this conflict, and we wish not to get tied up in any of that peace loving hippie bullshit. But was war the last resort? Dan Delaney answers this question, and much less on this edition of: “Captain Marvelous’ [Dan Delaney] Spectacular War Update!”

Ooops. Wrong one...

So what the hell was I talking about when I said: “But was war the last resort?”? Well what I meant when I said “But was war the last resort?” was that there are many, many alternatives to this one-sided parade of American brute force. It seems that today’s celebrities are very interested in this situation. Why not let one of them run the country? Sure! I can see it now! Carrot Top, Mayor of Iraq. Everyday he could wake up and molest as many children as he wanted! As long as they’re not American children, who gives a flying bloody skilsaw, that was once used by Gerald Ford? And he could star in any of his own B-movies, as he liked. The only people that would have to watch it would be the people of Iraq. But now that I think of it, it would be rather hard to put in a makeshift celebrity government with little or no effort…so for the sake of you, the reader, I am hopelessly abandoning this idea. Hmmm…. This is awkward. I think we all realize that I could have easily deleted all this and started a new topic, as to prevent this embarrassment.

If the truck were to turn into a killing robot, this is what it would look like.

Ooooh ooooooh! I got it! I know exactly how we could punish Saddam! Ok, now follow closely, or I’ll beat you like my granddaughter. For sake of argument, we’ve captured Saddam, and ended his regime, while at the same time holding a super fun smile party for the president where he gets triangle shaped boxes full of nails and pictures of Barbara Streisand making mushroom soup. So what to do with him? Cover him in orange paint and call him Chicago? Fuck no, you belligerent dunderhead! We cut off his feet. After this, we attach rather large sticks of dynamite to his stubs. These sticks of dynamite have enormous fuses, and are filled with dynamite pixie dust, which is extra explosive on account of the pixies [Dan Delaney is not responsible for any pixie attacks that may or may not happen when you read the preceding statement.] Next we locate or build an extremely large stadium that can hold millions upon millions of people. Now we find Saddam’s soft spot. Maybe he has a thing for puppies or newborn babies, but we find it out. Whatever it is we fill a truck full of ‘em. This truck is obviously controlled by a robot, and has a screeching irritating robot voice that announces, “I am a robot truck! Outta the way you Nazi!” The robot truck is programmed to follow Saddam as closely as possible without running him over. We will then explain to the all mighty dickbag that he is to try to outrun the truck and save whatever is in it, before his volatile replacement feet destroy him and surrounding…. stuff. If he chooses not to run, he will be riddled with vomit cannonballs, and then regular cannonballs.

Pretty clever of me, eh? I mean what could be simpler than that plan? You tell me smart-ass! Well anyway, I would like you to tell me! Dan obviously was scrounging for an update topic, and made a half-assed attempt in trying to look like he knew what he was doing. So I want you, the reader, to e-mail me, Dan “Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Tootsie Pop Owl” Delaney to e-mail your ideas on how Saddam should be punished. And I’m serious. Anyone can send an idea in. In my next update, I will review the responses, and most likely tear them to shreds. All entries will be posted anonymously. So please, send me feedback! I promise I’ll do the dishes for a week if you send me a little ol’ e-mail. Please….?