Where's Ethan?

On one of my daily internet sweeps for the word "cock" I was shocked and dismayed to find this image. Click to view a larger version. It looks like Ethan's beyond our help now.

You may have noticed that the density of skinny white redheaded wics around here has been considerably low lately. It's no coincidence. Ethan is in fact missing. This isn't your normal kidnapping or getting trapped in an interdimensional rift type missing, though. Oh no! This is abandonment in its pure snortable form. Ethan has left us for Boston and its Bostonians, or as they like to be called, the "filthy bosts." These are an ape-like people who live off whatever intestinal tracts and Coney Island Whitefish they come across in their daily ocean rummages. Usually, what they find is a mixture of carnival vomit and whale semen, known as "clam chowder" or as the Indians call it, "maize." Legends say that one cannot look a filthy bost in the eyes without at some point in the following 3 minutes gouging out one's own eyes with rusty spoons. This is no problem, however, as rusty spoons aren't exactly in short supply among a primitive culture such as that of Boston.

You may be wondering "Why would Ethan want to live among such people?" Well my friends, the answer is simple. Ethan, our Ethan, likes the cock. Yes, it's true. Another thing New England is known for is it's incredibly high concentration of cock, or as the Indians call it, "maize." He has undoubtedly tossed aside his so-called friends to make way for a career in cock, and cock-related practices such as cockfilm and cock chaos.

I need new friends.

With Ethan gone, my localized friend selection is currently limited to that jerk everyone hates, that guy what's his name that lives across from Ethan, that one with the pool, and that other guy with the girl hair who wears makeup. On top of that, none of these people have Gamecube, or a house that I can break into to play Gamecube. This will not do at all. I must henceforth put my foot down and state that if anyone else runs away to pursue a career in cock, I'm going to have you targetted for termination. So, when that big muscley Austrian comes breaking down your door, just remember. If you'd pursued a career in termination, you'd still be my friend, but now you're a corpse.

This article is short today and is going to end now, mainly because it's stupid and I really have nowhere to go with it. Also, I hate you. If you don't like it, try writing your own damn article, dammit!

No, I'm serious. We need more people to write these things. And as you can see by today's, you don't even have to be funny! If you're ever thinking to youself "This is stupid. I could write better than these nitwits! Or "This site doesn't update often enough, and I'm willing to do more than whine about it." then contact me, Dan, or Captain I Love Cock. And we'll get back to you/do nothing.